A little less than two months ago I started on a new path: the path of Amazonian medicine. I was hoping to clear my body of fatigue & my spirit of several layers of trauma. A bit to my surprise the medicine that jumped out at me first was kambo, also known as sapo, which is the poison of a frog. This poison produces a short but violent ‘reset’ of body, mind & spirit. (Here is an excellent article about kambo). After my second session with Frog I decided to follow the third (a cycle consists of three sessions) with an ayahuasca journey. I had been curious about ayahuasca for a while & I felt guided to finally take the leap.
The wonderful people facilitating the kambo sessions offered a ‘kambohuasca’ combination, with kambo in the morning & ayahuasca in the afternoon & evening. The indigenous Katukina people of Brazil that work with the Frog regularly often have it as preparation for ayahuasca travels, as it thoroughly cleanses you which is very important before starting with ayahuasca.
As it turned out this was an ideal combination for me. Because of a week’s half-fast in preparation for the ayahuasca (instead of a day just for kambo) the Frog hit me quite intensely, but paradoxically I could also handle it better, even when I was completely ‘unplugged’ for a second. I was completely empty of mind & body before drinking the medicine, and open to Grandmother Ayahuasca. I had stated the intention to finally completely remember the (sexual) abuse from my childhood, but I was open to anything Abuelita wanted to teach me.
The night before I had drawn some cards & I got Judgement, Popess, Moon: revelations about my family, mysteries, darkness. So I had good hope that my questions would be answered. Little did I suspect how dark it would actually get.
The first hour or so I saw typical psychedelic patterns & lots of colours, snakes, landscapes, an overwhelming flood of images & impressions, all meaningful some way or another. I was trying to open a tunnel to go deeper, but I found it impossible to go down to where I wanted to go, because all the images were so distracting, and also because I was not ready. So after a while I stopped trying & just enjoyed the view. Which was absolutely marvellous, and I did see the Ayahuasca Spirit as a great colourful Sun with a woman’s face amid the stars. Oh & I also saw the Devil. I’m waiting, sez he, biding my time. Alright then.
I don’t exactly remember how it happened, but suddenly I journeyed into space, a vast starry cosmic landscape. And there I met the Great Goddess Kali Ma. I have had no dealings with Her before, so this was a great surprise & an even greater honour. She swallowed me whole & claimed me as Her own. Kali took me on an incredibly intense journey, hours & hours, on just one cup of ayahuasca. She showed me the vast, dark cosmos that is Her body, the true nature of Hell, the Cauldron of Souls, the past & future of the Earth *), some of my past lives, my animal guide, and many more mysteries. It will take me a long time to write it all down.
She is all-encompassing Love, Kali used that term many times & made me repeat it. When I asked at one point, Hey where’s Abuelita Aya? Grandmother smiled & said, You’re in good hands. And I was. It was joy beyond words, to feel Kali Ma’s love & have Her patiently answer my questions, for thousands of years. And at the same time it was terror beyond words, for She is also Destruction & Chaos & Rage. She completely destroyed me.
For now I was indeed shown the things I had asked about. I did witness the half-remembered traumas of my childhood, and it was devastating. Terrible things were done to me from the day I was born. A devastating truth, She said over & over, and made me repeat that as well. Remember.
And that was only the first: I was shown a great many devastating truths, about myself & my family, and also my ex. I no longer have any illusions about any of them. Kali is merciless. I kept sobbing, You destroy me, you destroy me. Perhaps the most devastating insight was that all those horrible things were necessary for me to grow into who I am now. This is the root from which I grew. I cannot cut loose, only grow further.
Although I felt the need to purge the whole time, Kali made me keep down that one cup of bitter medicine for a very good reason: to accept the poison I swallowed, as in my belly it will be transformed into the medicine I have to give to the world. For Kali Ma also told me my gift & my purpose in this life: I am a Destroyer, a Bringer of Death. I am to deliver devastating truths, to liberate people & facilitate their growth.
I am Nagasaki, said She, and I am in you, you are in Me. Destruction as an act of Love is my gift & my task. It has not even begun to sink in what this will mean for me & my work. But you certainly may expect changes.
On the brighter side Kali also told me a great many beautiful things about myself & my future, in this life & beyond. So although right now I feel Her destruction most keenly, and am devastated by what I have seen, I know that She will also rebuild me & help me grow further. Indeed, She gave me a whole list of tasks & offerings to perform for Her, to make me remember & process the things I have seen, the beautiful & the terrible ones both. And above all to honour Her.
Look at the cards I drew afterwards : an ordeal, a cosmic journey, total victory. Yes.
Holy Darkness Rising
Of course I know that this was just one, very personal experience. Huge as it was for me, I have no intention of bypassing Kali’s extant cultural traditions. I’m not suddenly an expert of all things Kali!
Moreover, I know this is not just about me. I think it’s no coincidence I had this experience at this time, when the destruction of the Earth is accelerating, illusions are shattered & the Dark Feminine is rising . Suddenly Her image is everywhere . I am certain Mahakali will call many more of us. For anyone wishing to study, honour or worship Her, here & here are good places to start.
So how about you? In what ways is Holy Darkness shaping your life? Email me via the contact form , or comment below!
*) As this took place right before the US elections, I asked who would be president. She said, It does not matter which candidate wins, America is self-destructing anyway. Soon there will be no more central government. Not in your lifetime, but soon. She will fall apart into smaller states, warring with one another. The whole world will watch in shock to see her burn.
You heard it here first.