Funny how literal the cards can be:
When asked about my next journey
With ayahuasca, the Sacred Vine
They said, Gather your Strength
For Death will come for you
And Resurrection will follow
As will revelations
About your family
The graves will open
The Dead will Speak
Advice: go straight to Hell
And greet the Devil
And you will ride off victorious
I kind of expected that Death
Would make an appearance
As She, Most Holy Death
Had given me a task last time
I travelled on the Vine
One I could not fulfil:
She gave me a Book shaped as a coffin
It was called the Book of Death
And I was to eat it
Swallow it whole
But I could not do it
Twice She offered it
Twice I failed
And I had asked for this time
To be able to perform this task
To gain knowledge of Death
And I got my wish
More than I wished for
Although in the end I did
Wish for Death to come
So I went looking for Death
In the fluorescent Candyland
Created by the Vine
Dizzying layers of neon grotesques
That made my stomach turn
And there She was
Sending me to Hell
For also that first time
If you recall
The Devil told me He would wait
So it was not all that surprising
To see Him in the cards
And in my visions he came
As Lucifer the Radiant
Opening the Gate for me
Saying, It is Time
And as I turned over
My stomach heaved
And I spewed forth
All filth & grief out of my lungs
Which are the Seat of Sorrow
I sat on my knees in roaring pain
Because I had been nursing
A hip injury
And then my womb exploded too
In perfect Agony
It seemed to me I must be bleeding
So piercing was the pain
And the room was dark & empty
Full of gray wraiths sliding past me
And I said, I am in such pain
I am in Hell
And I was
But my Mother, my Kali Ma
She said, It is of your own making
Release it
Which was easier said than done
For that pain was all I knew
And if there had not been my brother
One of the facilitators
Turning into an Angel
Offering hugs & silent comfort
I might not have persevered
But as it was, I threw up
From my deepest depths
The deepest darkest Secrets
That I had carried with me
Since I was a child
Since before I was born
The bucket became a tunnel
Through which I had to go deeper
And deeper & deeper
Through slime & filth & worms
Into the deepest Darkness
Beyond Hell
And She said, This is True Death
And She said, This is your Task
Do you accept
And I said Yes
I have no choice
But Yes
I deserve to know
Then She, my Mother Kali
Informed me that I was dying
I was having a miscarriage
Hence my perfect pain
I was in labour
Of a child that I once carried
When I was far too young for it
This is True Death
You are dying
And She told me to warn the people
That they were to call an ambulance
Or I would bleed to Death right there
And I did tell them, over & over
That this is True Death
I am dying
And I was
I was preparing to release my body
But I was also fighting for it
For I could not let those fuckers win
The ones who tortured my small body
Made it hurt & bleed
The one who knew
But chose to do nothing
Being a preacher & all
I was reliving all that pain
Such agony
Such Darkness
And I also brought it forth
I birthed it
I wreaked it upon them
I birthed myself
I birthed Lucifer, my Son
I birthed me, the Angel with the Sword
Saying I accept
I birthed Sekhmet
Who was also me
The Raging Lionesse
I brought forth Kali’s Rage
I brought forth Nagasaki
I brought forth the End of the World
And its Beginning
And Kali said, This is True Death
And Kali said, This is High Magic
And Isis came to say one Word:
Initiation
I saw & felt my pelvis shatter
For what I birthed was bigger than me
But I kept bringing forth
And Kali Ma kept saying
That’s my trooper
That’s my girl
This is True Death
Do you accept
Still somehow I was able to state
To those Angels holding me
And soothing me
True Light Workers all of them
That they should remove
The others from the room
Before the ambulance came
And the police
The whole circus
They took it calmly
And lifted me this way & that
So I knew the ambulance had come
Such Love, such Compassion
They saved me
Over & over
There is no word for that
Only Thankfulness
And I lay there, bleeding, bleeding
Saying my goodbye
To that little one
That was never meant to be
Four cell divisions, no more
Before he petered out
But he would have been a boy
I said, Give my son a grave
With his father’s name
With my father’s name
So everyone will know
And then I could bear the pain no more
I begged for Death to come
I said, Please let me die
Please end my pain
And I opened my mouth
To give up my last Breath
The final Sacrifice
And I felt my body dissolving
Into Nothingness
As I was speeding
Past the stars
Such Beauty, such relief
No more pain
And everything went white
And I thought, This is it
I am no longer for this World
And it was my final thought
I slept like a newborn
And when I woke up
I felt no pain whatsoever
Just Joy & Peace
And Love
I am alive
In Paradise
All Destruction is Love
All Death is Birth
There is no difference
The two are One
As for those cards
Turned out they were as good
As their Word
Of course only in hindsight
I now see that vertical:
Go through Hell
Descend into True Death
And come out on the Other Side
Victorious
Hell yes
I fucking died
I can do anything
Written on the Scorpio Full Moon, as an offering to Kali Ma
