It’s the time of the year to draw close to the fire, tell murderous tales, and sing grisly songs…

I wrote this ballad a few years ago, as an excercise from the wonderful The Ode Less Travelled: Unlocking The Poet Within by Stephen Fry, a book I can’t recommend enough.

Please note that the first two stanzas (in bold) are Stephen Fry’s, and full credit goes to him. The rest are mine.

This is a traditional-style ballad that can be sung to a number of tunes I reckon, but I usually sing it (while baking baby cakes dishwashing, etc.) to the tune of the well-known murder ballad Knoxville Girl (which seems kind of appropriate, all things considered). You can listen to it here, and you musical types can find the sheet music here.

So light the fire, close the blinds & let’s sing!

 

Now gather round and let me tell
The tale of Danny Wise:
And how his sweet wife Annabelle
Did suck out both his eyes

And if I tell the story true
And if I tell it clear,
There’s not a mortal one of you
Won’t shriek in mortal fear

I should point out right at the start
That Danny Wise had eyes
That with one look could melt your heart
Like chocolate can, or lies

For these alone had Annabelle
Who was a lovely witch
Agreed to marry this young swell
Now she was loved and rich

And staring into his dark eyes
She dreamt of sweets to come,
And loved and cared for Danny Wise
Who was as rich as dumb.

For first of all, he would not see
Her fly out every night:
Completely nude, hair floating free
Beneath the stars so bright

While he lay snoring, his dear wife
Went dancing in the wood
And drew a circle with her knife
And sealed it with her blood.

And when the Horned One appeared
She kissed his ass and swore
That, by the Devil’s curly beard
She loved her Danny more.

Lord Lucifer He smiled at this
For He knew more than she:
“Let her find out if Danny is
Worth loving more than Me”.

Just like I said, Dan wasn’t smart
Although his name was Wise
For he went on to break her heart
With cheating and with lies

Sweet Annabelle would soon find out
That Danny screwed around
With shopgirls, milkmaids, dowagers
With any girl he found

He fooled them with his wondrous eyes
As he did Annabelle
And they would flock into his arms
And dream of wedding bells

Now at All Hallows Annabelle
Went dancing at the lake
And scried in the moonlit pool to tell
Her future and her fate

As in a mirror did she see
Her husband in the arms
Of many girls that just like she
Had fallen for his charms

The lake did shine like Danny’s eyes
She howled at it and she
Tore at her hair, but for all that
Her heart broke silently

And so it was that Danny’s bride
Planned to suck out his eyes
While he lay sleeping by her side:
So handsome, so unwise

She made him still by making love:
“The last time this will be
That he will see my face above,
That I’ll feel him in me”

Agonizing sweet it was
And he lay paralyzed
He felt her tears fall on his face
Her kiss caressed his eyes

She let her tongue slip underneath
Into her mouth she sucked –
His eyeball came out of its sheath
And all the while she fucked

The living daylights out of him
The eye did taste like brine
Popped like a berry in her mouth
She drank it like a wine

A pleasure she had never known
Would never know again –
Except for the other eye, which now
She sucked out of her man

Such hunger, pain and ecstacy
They trembled as they came
In unison, in harmony –
But she felt naught for him

And so she left, but Danny stayed
Blind for all of his life
Blind to the beauty of all girls
And yearning for his wife

Lord Lucifer did comfort her
And rode her like a steed
And kissed and charmed her, but her heart
Stayed colder than His seed

Now Annabelle has eyes that shine
So irresistibly
That any man looks into them
Is just as lost as she

She takes their pleasure, and sometimes
She also takes their eyes:
But never do they taste as good
As those of Danny Wise